Easter

I feel like I was born to be the constant enemy of time. I don't know if it's normal that when you age, your time management skills become poor or is it the world that changes unpredictably, which affects my lifestyle? It's always how time flies so fast that I blame for not doing the regular things that I do before. Maybe, I really lost that urge or maybe, I was too busy with really important things.

I always remind myself that the reason that I am in a foreign land now is my career and of course, finances. Of course I have to spend more time with work and I should always keep in mind that time is synonymous to money. Each hour that I spend in the office is being paid and each cent that I spend is a second lost. I was pre-occupied with things that I've been trying to catch lately, but almost I can declare that the search is over.

New Schedule.

Starting April of this year, I'll be a normal human being again. Working during office hours wasn't painful for me, really. I hate doing night shifts.

New job.

After a year of struggling with my schedule, I finally caught one fine employer's attention and signed a contract with them. Of course, it will be a one giant step ahead of my current state as an IT professional. This is why I will be working on a regular schedule again.

Debt Settlement.

I am still thankful to my current company for really providing for me. Relationships with your employers should really be give and take. I have learned so much with them. I promise to settle all my debts with the last pay that I will be getting.

Of love.

This is the most intriguing part. I still have a lot of shortcomings and will forever be a burden to someone. However, I still believe in loving the imperfect person with the imperfect me. This is all that I can say here. lol

Last year.

2012 was like the roller coaster ride "The Mummy." It's an indoor ride with total darkness and lots of visual and physical feel. Unlike the past years, I've been busy dealing with everything ongoing outside the internet traffic. I even forgot how to laugh harder. I've had bundles of joy and pain, in and out at the same time. Despite of that, I am thankful indeed. God is good that even in hopeless situations, he's there. I actually lost my way to some people, but few have been very understanding. It's all nothing but a big thanks.

It's a tradition that I share some photos with everyone, so here you go.

I've been in Indonesia twice last year. I was pretty amazed in Bali where the shores are average but the waves are gigantic. It's a surfer's paradise and the unique Hindu temple design is awesome.

Although I really didn't explore the island of Batam, I must say that Turi beach resort is one of the best. The beach is small and the sea water is not really great but I enjoyed all the hotel and resort facilities which is really a perfect place to relax.

Legoland's landmark replica of Southeast Asian destinations are really cool. Although the theme park is situated in a dessert like place which gave me a sun-kissed and stinging pain on the skin, I still enjoyed it somehow.

I went back home just once last year. I will try to squeeze in everything this year and include my Pinas vacation often because playing with my nephew is now a big thing that I always look forward to. His name is Kristoff, I call him Tofu.

The season is not complete if Christmas is not included in the most memorable moments. Our monito monita was worth $100.

When I am free, I see to it that I attend the Sunday service in one Christian church that fellow bloggers Alex and Jepoy are part of. I enjoy doing this and hmmm... there are actually plenty of events going on.

Of blogging...

I hid my old posts because I am twisted. LOL But i will try my best to write as often as I can. It's becoming a plague. Being idle is now a plague. So let's blog on!

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Alexithymia

Alexithymia is the scientific term for difficulty in verbalizing your feelings.

Being a paranoid, I thought that I might have this disorder. I even thought that I might have a brain tumor because of the impulsiveness that I have done in my life. I got addicted to Grey's Anatomy lately and I feel that I might have the illness that they are presenting in the show, if the symptoms fit my behavior or pain.

I might have Alexithymia, yeah! And as of now, I really can't translate my feelings into words. I feel happy, I feel upset and I feel mad. 

How do I feel?

When I answered, I am feeling "mixed emotions," is it considered Alexithymia?

I feel upset when someone's YES becomes a NO afterwards.

I feel mad when someone requires me to do something. I am definitely a good person, however asking for favors should be sweet and genuine. It's not supposed to create a feeling of obligation, and that you have to do it or else, you will be cursed.

I feel happy when everything goes smoothly according to plans. I feel happy when there's a bit of spontaneity. I feel happy when someone makes me feel important, that life will not go on without my existence.

I feel irritated when someone is not listening when I'm talking. I feel irritated when someone talks to somebody else while I'm talking to that someone. I feel irritated when someone has to say "This is me! Deal with it!" As if those small shortcomings are impossible to change. I feel irritated when someone just says it, not do it!

After the last four paragraphs, I realized that I am becoming more of a pessimist. However, I might not have Alexithymia after all.

So much for the rant! haha :)

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Overdue

The good thing with emotions is it passes like random gusts. For people like me with attention deficit disorder, I am easily distracted. I let it in. A smile after a bitter bearing is good. Laugh is even better. I am always aware if I smile and laugh. This maybe a good start. A sign of moving forward or perhaps, I already have. 

Seems very bewildering but I am not pertaining to a heartbreak. It can be a heartbreak but not necessarily every thoughts are incorporated with it. I was pissed because of the long queue getting my certificate at the embassy, I let it go and moved on so easily. Moving on can be from small things to a huge fireball of bothering emotions. When it is very hot and boiling, it is better to strike the target.

There are lots of anger, guilt, disappointment and all sort of negative emotions that I felt in the past that are now overdue. Overdue because it has been ignored or perhaps overlooked for some reasons. These are just  phases. Many of these has been verbalized not directly to the people involved but to people who are unworthy of carrying a temporary humane state of mind. Another valuable lesson learned. Less talk, less mistake as the old saying goes. However, most of the time, it's inevitable.

I am misunderstood as often as the random gusts hits your body everyday. Maybe not only me but we should all learn how to be a better judge than those arbitrary retards that gave their disputes without reading the argument. If you are being asked "Why?" Isn't it correct to provide reasons? Hence, you'll be branded as a phony fucked up dude afterwards.

This too, shall be overdue....

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Very random thoughts

State of mind

C'mon, it's a cliche! "Life is a roller coaster." Indeed! 

The loops are crazy and becoming more and more insane as our mind process each and every thought coming in and out of it. My mind is restless. My emotions are like igniting matches. I temporarily stayed in a condition where I fathomed an essential truth of humanity. Being human after all, is being vulnerable. Mistakes are always present.

Grateful

My sincerest gratitude to people who have the guts to apologize and to say a cheerful Thank You after favors. Favors are overrated. I admit that I am weak and I need material or abstract matters from people whom I value. Pride has blocked these remarkable qualities. Crisis has defeated pride. Trust has been misplaced. Nevertheless, there's always tomorrow to correct whatever is wrong yesterday.

Lust

Taboo as it may seem, the needs of the flesh always make way to enter into a beautiful relationship called friendship. You are misjudged if you speak and your words travel into different regions. You are misunderstood if you don't speak then your actions are already shouting. Lust is vital even for hermaphrodites, although it is the strongest weapon that can destroy you.

Faith

In the world today, credibility is everything. In forms of social media created not only for one organization but for an entity, consistency is the key. You may say what you believe today but the state of mind can change tomorrow. Judgement will pour all over not only in the comments section. I have always believed that carelessness has no room for social media celebrities. Some may even hire a social media manager. Some may find themselves mobbed by people who got rotten tomatoes. 

Blinded

The gift of thinking outside the box is one of the greatest gift. Most of the time, if a narcissist look into a mirror, everything that he will see is handsome. Mirrors are again, overrated. It only shows what you want to see. There's no technique in being your own worst criticizer. We are all in a box. A box that caged us to the world that we want to live. Curiosity will bring us outside the box. Wisdom will tell us what's outside.

Quote: 

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

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Relive

I remember a conversation with a very close friend, several years back when she was asking me whether to meet or not to meet her ex for a coffee after a few months of their devastating break-up. I saw her how she deplored and go through a very agonizing season. Everything is okay now, although I can still remember my remarkable antiphon that made her mute for a short while.

"Maybe, he just want to see if the feelings is still there. He wants to relive."

While my friend is happily engaged now, I am haunted by the remnants of my past that's now seemingly unfamiliar to my heart. I can still remember how I fell in love. The littlest details made me smile once in a while, but the feelings are put behind the depth of field. There's distance from the subject, which is now emptiness.

I never asked for this. I still want to relive and somehow get at least a drop of the essence of the relationship that I had with you, but everything has suddenly demised in the inside. 


Have you ever been so tired of looking for a lost valuable inside your room and used all your strength and might to find it? After time has erased the feeling of loss, suddenly you will find it in some place you missed and by that time, it's either been replaced or became an unimportant part of your everyday life.

I'm sure that I didn't miss a single spot. I am certainly not hoping to find you again, but still it will bring a huge smile on my face if I do.

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