Alexithymia

Alexithymia is the scientific term for difficulty in verbalizing your feelings.

Being a paranoid, I thought that I might have this disorder. I even thought that I might have a brain tumor because of the impulsiveness that I have done in my life. I got addicted to Grey's Anatomy lately and I feel that I might have the illness that they are presenting in the show, if the symptoms fit my behavior or pain.

I might have Alexithymia, yeah! And as of now, I really can't translate my feelings into words. I feel happy, I feel upset and I feel mad. 

How do I feel?

When I answered, I am feeling "mixed emotions," is it considered Alexithymia?

I feel upset when someone's YES becomes a NO afterwards.

I feel mad when someone requires me to do something. I am definitely a good person, however asking for favors should be sweet and genuine. It's not supposed to create a feeling of obligation, and that you have to do it or else, you will be cursed.

I feel happy when everything goes smoothly according to plans. I feel happy when there's a bit of spontaneity. I feel happy when someone makes me feel important, that life will not go on without my existence.

I feel irritated when someone is not listening when I'm talking. I feel irritated when someone talks to somebody else while I'm talking to that someone. I feel irritated when someone has to say "This is me! Deal with it!" As if those small shortcomings are impossible to change. I feel irritated when someone just says it, not do it!

After the last four paragraphs, I realized that I am becoming more of a pessimist. However, I might not have Alexithymia after all.

So much for the rant! haha :)

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Overdue

The good thing with emotions is it passes like random gusts. For people like me with attention deficit disorder, I am easily distracted. I let it in. A smile after a bitter bearing is good. Laugh is even better. I am always aware if I smile and laugh. This maybe a good start. A sign of moving forward or perhaps, I already have. 

Seems very bewildering but I am not pertaining to a heartbreak. It can be a heartbreak but not necessarily every thoughts are incorporated with it. I was pissed because of the long queue getting my certificate at the embassy, I let it go and moved on so easily. Moving on can be from small things to a huge fireball of bothering emotions. When it is very hot and boiling, it is better to strike the target.

There are lots of anger, guilt, disappointment and all sort of negative emotions that I felt in the past that are now overdue. Overdue because it has been ignored or perhaps overlooked for some reasons. These are just  phases. Many of these has been verbalized not directly to the people involved but to people who are unworthy of carrying a temporary humane state of mind. Another valuable lesson learned. Less talk, less mistake as the old saying goes. However, most of the time, it's inevitable.

I am misunderstood as often as the random gusts hits your body everyday. Maybe not only me but we should all learn how to be a better judge than those arbitrary retards that gave their disputes without reading the argument. If you are being asked "Why?" Isn't it correct to provide reasons? Hence, you'll be branded as a phony fucked up dude afterwards.

This too, shall be overdue....

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The Dogmatic Pedagogy

Damnant Quod Non Intelligunt

They condemn what they do not know.

They despise the things that doesn't please them.

What doesn't benefit them is nothing to them.

Nature? Naaaah. They just don't open their f*ckin' minds.

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Null

I ain't good enough to narrate or write about a certain event that happened in my life. It's a fact. I tend to give every detail of it. Apparently, most perfectionist people like my editor in high-school said that I ain't fit for a News writer so he made me a Feature writer. For me, it's okay. I was having fun. At least I can still write. It ain't really my passion but a hobby that can make my hands occupy and make my brain think a lot. Now that I told you that I was a writer, forgive my grammar slips. I'm an engineer now.

I don't have a story to tell, actually. Did I mention before that I asked someone to marry me? I think I did. Shall I broadcast to the whole world that I enjoy worshipping in a Christian church now? That would be a constrained topic or a taboo. Will I get myself into a big trouble if I write about how my colleague pissed me off tonight? That's too much information. I may find myself paying a fat fine when they find out. By the way, I have two hefty oranges now in my bag and I brought a knife to cut it. I'm utterly excited to ingest it later. Who the hell cares?

I ain't making any sense here. I've been thinking of writing a book review but reading the first chapter of my chosen book, Norwegian Wood makes me think twice. I bawled out like a baby when I saw the movie "One Day." So what would make me deduce another heavyhearted plot without thinking of how will I ever conquer the feeling of nullity.

Yes, you heard it right. Nullity. It means nothingness. It means zilch.

Emotions are deceitful. When you get mad, opportunities and possible happy memories may slip away. But what if you feel NULL? Like there is nothing inside your heart. Does NULL really means ZILCH? Will it allow or negate that one feeling which everybody is dying for to feel? I'm talking about happiness.

I am not unhappy. I am blessed in so many ways, thank GOD! But somehow, that part of the heart where the magic happens, is NULL.

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