Persona

There are many times recently that I don't have words to buy what I feel. I cannot afford it. I just can't. I've always believed in myself before. I don't know if I was in an unreal world. I was full of expectations. I have imagined what I want to be. I thought of how I'm going to be able to give without getting back in return. I cannot accept that it is so high that the norms still can't cope up with my delusional world. I am not special, that's why I want to be treated special. I know my capabilities. I'm slightly evil and I guess that's the reason why no one can take my values away from me.

Subject A:

 You're like V. A fighter! Wearing a mask and revolted against the Norsefire political party. You are the unwilling subject matter of the modern day Pharisees. A pundit has ruined your credibility. Many stories have been told. You were hurt. I felt that we connected and somehow and became closer as you were busy defending yourself. We were sitting on the same core. At least, we did. After we became adjacent, I had this feeling that I want to kiss you. But I forgot. You're V! You wear a mask. I realized that just because I can hear your sweet words doesn't mean that I know the dynamism of your mouth. It was apparently sailing towards the black sea. I still trust you V. At least you know what is right. However, removing your mask will tell otherwise.

 Subject B:

 I tried and am trying to be happy. Somehow, I am. When it comes to you, doubt always fight with my wisdom. I know I'm right and there comes BUT afterwards. But I value you. My heart beats for you, that's why. I can pick up those little wrongs from you. But I'm also afraid. It's piling up. You beguiled me. That's the biggest little wrong that I kept. It sucks the air around me. I now called my pillow doubt. Sometimes, I need to sleep with my head on it. Sometimes, I need to embrace it. I told you once that, if there is one person that wants to move forward, it's me. So help me. God gave you 2 hands to comfort me. Your lips are meant to tame me. This is a process. No one can ever forget a throbbing experience so easily.

Subject C:

 I often disregard what you feel. I am sorry. There are many things that I shouldn't have done to you. I put you on the lowest depths of the grime. I treated you like filth. You were my last priority when you should have been always the first. I am always forgetting that I love you. You can surpass this one, believe me. I am your only warrior. I can cripple myself to stand you up. I can be blind and lend you my sense of sight for you to see the truth. We're in this together Subject C. Together and forever!

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Drawback

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

This is alright. I like the song. It's sad though, and the message is simple. Most of us truly discovers anything's worth by losing it. It maybe antimony or irony but whatever it is, it's still loss. We can recall memories whichever way we want, first in last out or first in first out but we don't have the ability to turn back time. Every loss is either replaceable or not. However, the feeling will not be the same.

If I had known the woman I love will be taken away from me in a long while, I should've been more patient, more understanding and more independent. When she left, I taught myself the basics. I tried to be proper. No one knows that I can process failures and losses without her being by my side and me being an inexperienced young adult. I became strong. The cycle of falling down and standing up again is endless, until I get used to it. I live with it and sometimes, I enjoyed it. Life is giving us so many 1+ ups until we get to the princesses' castle. Sometimes, we can warp to skip stages, sometimes we're big, and sometimes we're not. There are times that we feel invincible by being able to throw balls of fire to those flying turtles that hinder us. It's crazy and sick! But it's not how long you play the game. It's how you enjoy it. It's how you value every details and aspect of it.

Being strong is not tantamount to being not able to feel pain. Even walls and bridges fall down. No matter how big and mighty it is. Independence is strength and at the opposite side sits neglect and being taken for granted. This gives us inexplicable pain and a thousand questions that start with WHY?

"Hell Yeah! He can do it, he's strong!"

"Sure, he's able to get through it. He's smart, he can think straight."

There is a greater empathy actually to those who are weak. Even I, would spend more minutes to someone who needs assistance but without making the strongs feel they're alone. As a friend, a brother, a son or a special someone, I would most likely to give and sacrifice everything within my means. Much disappointment arise when at the end of the day, I feel that, it is me who built my own armour. It is only me, who acts as a front liner and back liner. It is me, who is building our dreams. This is my battle, and I am alone.

We will eventually learn to let go and stick to those who value you. My wish is not to make you "me," but somehow feel even only your shadow at my back. I need a support system. And as the famous local singer has sung...

"The warrior is a child." Just and still a child.

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Alexithymia

Alexithymia is the scientific term for difficulty in verbalizing your feelings.

Being a paranoid, I thought that I might have this disorder. I even thought that I might have a brain tumor because of the impulsiveness that I have done in my life. I got addicted to Grey's Anatomy lately and I feel that I might have the illness that they are presenting in the show, if the symptoms fit my behavior or pain.

I might have Alexithymia, yeah! And as of now, I really can't translate my feelings into words. I feel happy, I feel upset and I feel mad. 

How do I feel?

When I answered, I am feeling "mixed emotions," is it considered Alexithymia?

I feel upset when someone's YES becomes a NO afterwards.

I feel mad when someone requires me to do something. I am definitely a good person, however asking for favors should be sweet and genuine. It's not supposed to create a feeling of obligation, and that you have to do it or else, you will be cursed.

I feel happy when everything goes smoothly according to plans. I feel happy when there's a bit of spontaneity. I feel happy when someone makes me feel important, that life will not go on without my existence.

I feel irritated when someone is not listening when I'm talking. I feel irritated when someone talks to somebody else while I'm talking to that someone. I feel irritated when someone has to say "This is me! Deal with it!" As if those small shortcomings are impossible to change. I feel irritated when someone just says it, not do it!

After the last four paragraphs, I realized that I am becoming more of a pessimist. However, I might not have Alexithymia after all.

So much for the rant! haha :)

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Relive

I remember a conversation with a very close friend, several years back when she was asking me whether to meet or not to meet her ex for a coffee after a few months of their devastating break-up. I saw her how she deplored and go through a very agonizing season. Everything is okay now, although I can still remember my remarkable antiphon that made her mute for a short while.

"Maybe, he just want to see if the feelings is still there. He wants to relive."

While my friend is happily engaged now, I am haunted by the remnants of my past that's now seemingly unfamiliar to my heart. I can still remember how I fell in love. The littlest details made me smile once in a while, but the feelings are put behind the depth of field. There's distance from the subject, which is now emptiness.

I never asked for this. I still want to relive and somehow get at least a drop of the essence of the relationship that I had with you, but everything has suddenly demised in the inside. 


Have you ever been so tired of looking for a lost valuable inside your room and used all your strength and might to find it? After time has erased the feeling of loss, suddenly you will find it in some place you missed and by that time, it's either been replaced or became an unimportant part of your everyday life.

I'm sure that I didn't miss a single spot. I am certainly not hoping to find you again, but still it will bring a huge smile on my face if I do.

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