Persona

There are many times recently that I don't have words to buy what I feel. I cannot afford it. I just can't. I've always believed in myself before. I don't know if I was in an unreal world. I was full of expectations. I have imagined what I want to be. I thought of how I'm going to be able to give without getting back in return. I cannot accept that it is so high that the norms still can't cope up with my delusional world. I am not special, that's why I want to be treated special. I know my capabilities. I'm slightly evil and I guess that's the reason why no one can take my values away from me.

Subject A:

 You're like V. A fighter! Wearing a mask and revolted against the Norsefire political party. You are the unwilling subject matter of the modern day Pharisees. A pundit has ruined your credibility. Many stories have been told. You were hurt. I felt that we connected and somehow and became closer as you were busy defending yourself. We were sitting on the same core. At least, we did. After we became adjacent, I had this feeling that I want to kiss you. But I forgot. You're V! You wear a mask. I realized that just because I can hear your sweet words doesn't mean that I know the dynamism of your mouth. It was apparently sailing towards the black sea. I still trust you V. At least you know what is right. However, removing your mask will tell otherwise.

 Subject B:

 I tried and am trying to be happy. Somehow, I am. When it comes to you, doubt always fight with my wisdom. I know I'm right and there comes BUT afterwards. But I value you. My heart beats for you, that's why. I can pick up those little wrongs from you. But I'm also afraid. It's piling up. You beguiled me. That's the biggest little wrong that I kept. It sucks the air around me. I now called my pillow doubt. Sometimes, I need to sleep with my head on it. Sometimes, I need to embrace it. I told you once that, if there is one person that wants to move forward, it's me. So help me. God gave you 2 hands to comfort me. Your lips are meant to tame me. This is a process. No one can ever forget a throbbing experience so easily.

Subject C:

 I often disregard what you feel. I am sorry. There are many things that I shouldn't have done to you. I put you on the lowest depths of the grime. I treated you like filth. You were my last priority when you should have been always the first. I am always forgetting that I love you. You can surpass this one, believe me. I am your only warrior. I can cripple myself to stand you up. I can be blind and lend you my sense of sight for you to see the truth. We're in this together Subject C. Together and forever!

Not even quite a celebrity

With 2 major blog revisions in a total of seven years of blogging with a split personality, I just can't quit the idea of showing something new to the web. It's always about rants and bewildering personal situations that I write about, yeah! As much as I would want to relinquish the "reklamador" habit, I feel that this spot understands me well. I can say that blogging is almost like praying. In prayers, you can say anything, ask anything and show any emotions that you have without the necessity of getting a response immediately right after it. No one will get hurt because HE listens. Although not totally similar, blogging somehow gives me that ease feeling of expressing myself and justify all my views in an unrelated audience and in a different realm.

If I say that you're ugly today, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're ugly for the rest of your miserable life. Maybe you could fix yourself tomorrow and then I can call you something else.

The life of an expressive individual like me is never easy. Mistreated, misplaced and misunderstood, at least I can relate to what Pink said in her song. But in my case, it slowed me down. There is just too much to handle. It's a fact that I write with emotions. I guess my heart only can contain blissful events but if melancholy clouded its' space, I somehow need an outlet. If coffee was beer, I would be very very drunk. Let's not just count the cigarette butts. To fathom is my habit. My favorite question to answer always starts with WHY. Do I really need a professional help being like this?

Howbeit, the most important thing is I am still here. Still learning and still trying.

And still blogging...

Drawback

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

This is alright. I like the song. It's sad though, and the message is simple. Most of us truly discovers anything's worth by losing it. It maybe antimony or irony but whatever it is, it's still loss. We can recall memories whichever way we want, first in last out or first in first out but we don't have the ability to turn back time. Every loss is either replaceable or not. However, the feeling will not be the same.

If I had known the woman I love will be taken away from me in a long while, I should've been more patient, more understanding and more independent. When she left, I taught myself the basics. I tried to be proper. No one knows that I can process failures and losses without her being by my side and me being an inexperienced young adult. I became strong. The cycle of falling down and standing up again is endless, until I get used to it. I live with it and sometimes, I enjoyed it. Life is giving us so many 1+ ups until we get to the princesses' castle. Sometimes, we can warp to skip stages, sometimes we're big, and sometimes we're not. There are times that we feel invincible by being able to throw balls of fire to those flying turtles that hinder us. It's crazy and sick! But it's not how long you play the game. It's how you enjoy it. It's how you value every details and aspect of it.

Being strong is not tantamount to being not able to feel pain. Even walls and bridges fall down. No matter how big and mighty it is. Independence is strength and at the opposite side sits neglect and being taken for granted. This gives us inexplicable pain and a thousand questions that start with WHY?

"Hell Yeah! He can do it, he's strong!"

"Sure, he's able to get through it. He's smart, he can think straight."

There is a greater empathy actually to those who are weak. Even I, would spend more minutes to someone who needs assistance but without making the strongs feel they're alone. As a friend, a brother, a son or a special someone, I would most likely to give and sacrifice everything within my means. Much disappointment arise when at the end of the day, I feel that, it is me who built my own armour. It is only me, who acts as a front liner and back liner. It is me, who is building our dreams. This is my battle, and I am alone.

We will eventually learn to let go and stick to those who value you. My wish is not to make you "me," but somehow feel even only your shadow at my back. I need a support system. And as the famous local singer has sung...

"The warrior is a child." Just and still a child.

Of actions...

I think that if we are often misinterpreted, there should be something wrong with how we express ourselves. There are others who are gifted in translating their emotions into verbatims but there's still many who are like mute, maybe afraid or maybe they really cannot speak about how they feel.
 
Action speak louder than words...
 
Needless to say, every human actions are the effects of how a person perceive a certain situation. Like me who is actually not busy at the moment, so I felt the urge to write. A lonely person is maybe thinking of getting a dog for companion. The "strongs" maybe enjoying life by living it day by day. The "weaklings" maybe juggling dozen of thoughts that make them do things that turns out to ba mistakes waiting for them at the end of the tunnel. This is how life is. There's cause and then it offsprings effect.
 
Wala lang...
 
I am honestly afraid of hearing this phrase. Of course I am not pertaining to a casual and frolic conversation. "Wala lang" or nothing for me is like saying YES or clinching the deal. It could mean everything when you say, it's nothing. I sometimes pray and hope that I really don't have a mental illness. It's hard that I am sometimes, tend to ovethink. Paranoid? Maybe. A good observer? I guess so. But then again, I always go back to the conjecture that an effect will not exist without a cause.
 
Yeah, maybe I am still dealing with a hurtful situation that's why I felt the urge to write. I am again laying all the blah blahs and rationale of everything that has happened. Rules are difficult to follow. The ugly can be covered with with fabricated facts. However, it's not always about the icings and frostings, it's all about the bread of the cake.
 

lookbook-ish

Although I am not yet there, I really love photography as a hobby. Whenever I'm in the mood and inspired, I  invite beautiful people to be guinea pigs and I'm glad to have taken photos of these 3 beautiful women from our church.

This was not so long ago, but I know that these 3 girls waited long enough for this post. I know I did an awful job, so criticisms are welcome. hehe.

Earl Lesley

Joanna

Mhel

Things that I think I need to work on:

• Photoshop skills. I don't use photoshop so my editing is minimal. I am that lazy. :)
• Lighting and composition. I can't comment much on this. I know, the better appeal is not yet there.
• Rule of third. I need more practice on this one.

And etc.. etc... What do you think?

Easter

I feel like I was born to be the constant enemy of time. I don't know if it's normal that when you age, your time management skills become poor or is it the world that changes unpredictably, which affects my lifestyle? It's always how time flies so fast that I blame for not doing the regular things that I do before. Maybe, I really lost that urge or maybe, I was too busy with really important things.

I always remind myself that the reason that I am in a foreign land now is my career and of course, finances. Of course I have to spend more time with work and I should always keep in mind that time is synonymous to money. Each hour that I spend in the office is being paid and each cent that I spend is a second lost. I was pre-occupied with things that I've been trying to catch lately, but almost I can declare that the search is over.

New Schedule.

Starting April of this year, I'll be a normal human being again. Working during office hours wasn't painful for me, really. I hate doing night shifts.

New job.

After a year of struggling with my schedule, I finally caught one fine employer's attention and signed a contract with them. Of course, it will be a one giant step ahead of my current state as an IT professional. This is why I will be working on a regular schedule again.

Debt Settlement.

I am still thankful to my current company for really providing for me. Relationships with your employers should really be give and take. I have learned so much with them. I promise to settle all my debts with the last pay that I will be getting.

Of love.

This is the most intriguing part. I still have a lot of shortcomings and will forever be a burden to someone. However, I still believe in loving the imperfect person with the imperfect me. This is all that I can say here. lol

Last year.

2012 was like the roller coaster ride "The Mummy." It's an indoor ride with total darkness and lots of visual and physical feel. Unlike the past years, I've been busy dealing with everything ongoing outside the internet traffic. I even forgot how to laugh harder. I've had bundles of joy and pain, in and out at the same time. Despite of that, I am thankful indeed. God is good that even in hopeless situations, he's there. I actually lost my way to some people, but few have been very understanding. It's all nothing but a big thanks.

It's a tradition that I share some photos with everyone, so here you go.

I've been in Indonesia twice last year. I was pretty amazed in Bali where the shores are average but the waves are gigantic. It's a surfer's paradise and the unique Hindu temple design is awesome.

Although I really didn't explore the island of Batam, I must say that Turi beach resort is one of the best. The beach is small and the sea water is not really great but I enjoyed all the hotel and resort facilities which is really a perfect place to relax.

Legoland's landmark replica of Southeast Asian destinations are really cool. Although the theme park is situated in a dessert like place which gave me a sun-kissed and stinging pain on the skin, I still enjoyed it somehow.

I went back home just once last year. I will try to squeeze in everything this year and include my Pinas vacation often because playing with my nephew is now a big thing that I always look forward to. His name is Kristoff, I call him Tofu.

The season is not complete if Christmas is not included in the most memorable moments. Our monito monita was worth $100.

When I am free, I see to it that I attend the Sunday service in one Christian church that fellow bloggers Alex and Jepoy are part of. I enjoy doing this and hmmm... there are actually plenty of events going on.

Of blogging...

I hid my old posts because I am twisted. LOL But i will try my best to write as often as I can. It's becoming a plague. Being idle is now a plague. So let's blog on!

Alexithymia

Alexithymia is the scientific term for difficulty in verbalizing your feelings.

Being a paranoid, I thought that I might have this disorder. I even thought that I might have a brain tumor because of the impulsiveness that I have done in my life. I got addicted to Grey's Anatomy lately and I feel that I might have the illness that they are presenting in the show, if the symptoms fit my behavior or pain.

I might have Alexithymia, yeah! And as of now, I really can't translate my feelings into words. I feel happy, I feel upset and I feel mad. 

How do I feel?

When I answered, I am feeling "mixed emotions," is it considered Alexithymia?

I feel upset when someone's YES becomes a NO afterwards.

I feel mad when someone requires me to do something. I am definitely a good person, however asking for favors should be sweet and genuine. It's not supposed to create a feeling of obligation, and that you have to do it or else, you will be cursed.

I feel happy when everything goes smoothly according to plans. I feel happy when there's a bit of spontaneity. I feel happy when someone makes me feel important, that life will not go on without my existence.

I feel irritated when someone is not listening when I'm talking. I feel irritated when someone talks to somebody else while I'm talking to that someone. I feel irritated when someone has to say "This is me! Deal with it!" As if those small shortcomings are impossible to change. I feel irritated when someone just says it, not do it!

After the last four paragraphs, I realized that I am becoming more of a pessimist. However, I might not have Alexithymia after all.

So much for the rant! haha :)